Warning: Do NOT read if you are pregnant or easily offended by raw emotion. Truly hope not to offend and hope that this is read knowing....this stuff hurts and we are trying our best to smile through the tough stuff. The goal of this post is to convey raw truth and show the real deal behind adoption, not just the rainbows & smiley faces.
Our homestudy has been complete now for several months. During that time, we've seen several potential placement situations come and go. White, black, mixed, philippino, twins, singles, babies due in weeks, babies already born.....all of them in unique situations some with good situations, and some with bad situations. But still, they've all made a mark on our heart. Each profile was potentially our baby. Each brought a little bit of excitement. Each situation left us with empty arms and took a tiny piece of our hearts.
My sincerest apologies if this blog isn't the cheeriest, funniest, and most inspiring thing you've ever read. Today, I fell into the "tell it like it really is" bucket. If you know me well, you know that I don't hide my emotions very well. I'm pretty much an open book about my life (sometimes to a fault), and I'm not really into sugar coating things. I just enjoy details and facts.
The bold fact is that adoption is very very hard. It's tough financially. It's tough mentally. It's extremely tough spiritually. And emotionally, there are no words.
I wish my child had a sibling. She longs for one and we want to give it to her. Ache.
All around me there is fertility in abundance. Trying to stay out of the bitter bucket can be tricky. But when "woops, we don't know how it happened" becomes the mantra of many, it's like someone take carves your heart out with a dull spoon, then uses it as a pinata. Yes, I know that's uber grose, but that's genuinely what it feels like.
And the sick thing is your constant daily, hourly, minutely prayer is "Dear God please erase all bitterness from my heart. Help me rejoice with the fertile uterus's of the world" but the monster inside is saying, "ugh, let's just stay inside our house, not talk to anyone, and not look out the windows". Inside my house, it's only my empty crib that hurts me. Outside, there are tribes of people unknowingly waiting in line to swing at my pinata.
We went through hours of counseling by our capable adoption agency staff. We've read information and attended a seminar. Talked to parents who've adopted. Heard their struggles and triumphs. Most of it encouraging. And when you see them beaming at their precious little one it really is great.
But there is no amount of counseling, prayer, and seeking God, that can prepare your heart for this unfinished roller coaster. It's days like today, when I feel our wheels have flown off the tracks, and I think there is no way I can hang on. During our counseling we heard of a couple where the wife gets so upset by viewing a profile only to not get chosen that she can't even look at the birthmom situations anymore. The case worker sends them all to the husband and he decides who to show their profile to. I remember thinking, "that's nuts!" However, today I ate those words. I called our social worker and asked to not know of anything that's going on with our adoption. I did NOT expect this. I had no idea how hard it would be. I just want it to be working in the background, while I try to forget it. It just makes me to crazy, I get to excited, and then hope is lost. I'm trying to save my faith from getting shipwrecked.
However, I have no option but to sit and wait. Can't get pregnant. Can't borrow Fairy Godmothers magical wand. The legal system won't even let me adopt a precious 6 month old boy who's been abused, neglected, arm broken, exposed to drugs and give him a loving home.....utter nonsense. God help us when we can't defend those that don't have a voice.
For now, I have my theraputic writing. I wavered on whether or not to post this publicly. But if we can't be real and honest and tell the whole 100% of things, then we walk around wearing masks. "Sure everything's great here. Praise the Lord" while inside we are dying.
Today I'm appreciating the freedom to be real, honest, and genuine with the real, honest, and genuine God.
Hey Aim - I haven't checked on you in awhile and thought I would take a look at your blog to see any updates. Thank you for the honesty in your post. You're right - things aren't always rainbows and smiles, no matter how hard we try to make them that way or appear that way. I can only relate to part of what you're going through, and I can imagine the ups and downs you are experiencing with the adoption journey. There are many times I want to isolate myself too as a protection from dealing with all things that could potentially be painful, no matter how happy I am for others. This is not an easy road, and I believe unless you have walked it or had someone close to you go through it, it's difficult to relate or understand. Please know I'm here for you and send continued prayers your way. Our God is good and faithful, and strength will rise as we wait upon Him. I love you.
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